


If I could start again, would that change the end?

by snowqies



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Honeymaren is Elsa’s girlfriend only because I’m lazy to create a female OC, Kinda, Minor Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Science Fiction, Sibling Incest, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, elsa's pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:07:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24209449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowqies/pseuds/snowqies
Summary: After the dead of her parents Elsa must bring herself to take care of her younger sister, living in the not-the-happiest-place of New York and overcoming each one of the struggles that life will throw at her. Her life is slowly getting in the road again but she feels something is missing, and as much as she tries to remember the missing piece seems that will never come back.
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

When I first heard about it I thought it was a sordid joke, a commercial announcing the new movie of the month, an idea that came out straight from some cheap sci-fi book saga. After all, the Gleyma Institute were out there announcing with unbearable joy the new method to erase the painful memories that were haunting you at nights, promising the idea of a new life far away from the regrets of your past decisions.

Being a complete sane person I didn’t believe it at first, but then Dax told us that Lu told him that Jen’s parents took her to that infamous institute, and like if a plague it were sudden the Gleyma Institute was filling every one of our thoughts, decisions and paranoid ideas, for good or for bad.

See, we live in the Bronx, that poor New York part filled with brown dirty walls and yellowish grass in front of our houses, and three months ago the rumor of Jen dating a much older gang member man came to ears of everyone. It was usual, dare to say part of the day-to-day. To not make things long someone got mad at the idea of Jen, dating that douchebag dude and like a classical fight between gangs the only solution they got was to straight up murder Jen in her way from home to school.

The problem with their plan was that Jen had a very lookalike twin sister, Juno, and the bullets that were supposed to finish her life ended coming through Juno’s chest, leaving her body to bleed in front of her parent’s house parking lot.

Jen carried with the guilt of the dead of her sister, and never told anyone but Lu (that told Dax that then told me) that the death thread were originally for her. So her parents decided to take her to Gleyma to try to erase her memories and from night to day it was like Juno’s existence never happened, and we had to get use to that strange knowledge as well - that memories can be erased, that sisters can exists and then stop existing like if it were nothing. They also opted for moving from our neighborhood to avoid, I presume, any Juno related questions - if I were them, I’d have done it too.

In fact, if I were them I wouldn’t have take Jen to erase her memories. And if I were Jen I’d have not dated a gang member in the first place. But I’m not the Petersons, and I’m not Jen.

So now we’re outside our houses (Dax, a tall dude that tends to sell pot to make his life better. Lu, the most tomboy girl in the planet that absolutely rocks at Guitar Hero. And me, Elsa. Just Elsa, because there’s nothing special currently happening in my life) seeing how the Peterson are packing their possessions and driving to only God knows.

It’s 4:17 p.m. and I tell my friends that I’ve to go home before my sister ends her training hours at the running track, crossing the main door of the small building complex at the end of the street and sprinting my way through the stairs to avoid the old rusty elevator as much I can. I don’t like to take it when I’m alone after some constant incidents of me being trapped in there for hours, so the stairs work fine for me, reaching the third floor too fast that when I’m in front of the apartment door my breath is far away from being calm and regular.

There’s nothing regal left in me when, in the middle of my shakiness, I try to get the key inside the door lock, catching my last breath as I cross the wooden door to close it behind my back. 

It seems that I’m fifteen minutes late because when I get into our apartment Anna’s already making herself comfortable in the living’s couch. Her body glistens thanks to the sweat and her hair sticks at the back of her neck due that reason. She already discarded her sport shorts, and is focused on a trivial videogame wearing only a purple sport bra and her panties, biting her lips as she plays. 

The brat would look cute, if it weren’t for the fact she’s professing a large variety of insults to her online team.

She only realizes my presence when I make my way through the living room - it’s small, smells like old dirty wood and rusty metal, and there’s barely 20 steps before you get your way either to the kitchen or the bedrooms. The shelf is full of old family photos, four Anna’s athletics trophies and my high school diploma framed inside a piece of wood painted with gold, there’s not much to see but I can’t take my eyes off from those objects as much as I try. 

It’s easy to not think about it during the day, but it’s when my eyes connect with the small frame of our family portrait that I feel the coldness in a house that is missing two people to make it warmer.

So I opt to get distracted at the sound of Anna’s videogame to break down my trance, forcing my feet to head to the kitchen in order to make dinner. 

“Aren’t gonna take a shower first?” I ask as I kiss the top of her messy hair. Anna doesn’t even bother to take off her eyes from the game, on the screen someone’s character is being beheaded without mercy.

“Later, you can get the hot water if you want. I don’t mind shower with cold w-argh! Fuck, no” she then addresses to her friends, “Could you please pay attention? Damn, it’s the second time and we have been fucking playing only ten minutes”. 

I take that as a sign to not disturb her, after all Anna is a good player and she’s even trying to get some money to sign up to one of these video games championships or something like that. To be fair it’s hard to believe people get paid to be in front of a tv all day.

But she looks happier, despite her tensed body language and dirty mouth, and doesn’t bring that much the topic of our parents’ death anymore since I bought her those games at a garage sale. 

“You came home kinda later”, she then addresses to me, looking at me over her shoulder. I’m struggling with both lighting up the kitchen burner and filling a pot with sink water. 

“Yeah I got sidetracked talking with Lu and Dax. We saw Jen’s parents and the moving truck down the street”. 

It’s that when she pauses the game and takes off her earphones, apparently clicking other button as well because now the word _muted_ appears next to _paused_ in the tv screen.

“Is it true?” her eyes gets a strange darkness around them, if is the reflection of the tv or the heaviness of her questions I don’t know, “about Jen?”

Jen and Juno were two years younger than the whole gang but Anna’s age, of all of us she spent more time hanging with them and planning school projects and summer parties, wasting time in the twins’ backyard playing hide and seek and sneaking cheap alcohol to school that Anna stole from dad’s cabinet. 

They weren’t exactly best friends but they meant something special to Anna.

And now Anna can’t just walk to Jen’s new place and remember their teenage adventures because those memories happened in a group of three whose one of its member was not only killed but erased, deleted. Forgotten. 

Juno is dead. 

Just like our parents. Just like the ignorance that Anna used to have about death until one year ago.

I guess we never got time to talk about it because the dead of our parents overtook each one of the thoughts inside Anna’s mind. But she felt it too, and in moments like this I wonder how much more Anna could be able to take. 

I nod at her question, and if I thought that were would talk more about this while dinner I was wrong, because we both spent our hour eating in uncomfortable silence the off brand mac & cheese I bought at the store earlier today, I hate it but Anna seems to love it and I make sure to buy it mostly for her.

If dad were here he’d make sure to remind Anna the good times she spent with her friends, but he isn’t here. Mom neither. And as much as I try to remember anything related to Jen and Juno I can’t pass the basic knowledge of them being our neighbors and attending Anna’s class.

So I stay silent, forcing myself to swallow the yellowish sticky mixture.

She doesn’t talk for the rest of the night excluding the “I’ll not sleep yet”, proceeding then to unmute the microphone and get involved in her game that it was hard to me make her go to bed when the clock announced it was three past twenty in the morning.

If I could forget, erase any memory from the deep of my mind, I’d start with Anna’s reaction when she heard that Juno existence was deleted from this universe. I’d forget the possibility that sisters can disappear just like that at the mercy of some expensive treatment, for the fear of Anna’s being the next in the list. I couldn’t forget my parents’ dead because I don’t remember anything at all, but I’d chose to change my brain mechanism to make me feel happiness where now is pain every time I see our pictures decorating the small living room.

If I could forget I would rather not. 

I don’t remember at what time I managed to feel asleep, or at what moment Anna slide in between my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, this is the first chapter of my multi chapter story. I know that doesn’t happen much in this one, is just a simple plot setting to see the thoughts inside Elsa’s mind and how she and Anna lives.
> 
> I originally contemplated 5 chapters, but then I started writing and decided to add a little bit more. The tags will change in the future as a reference for the chapters and to not spoil the story from its beginning.
> 
> English is not my first language so pardon if there was some typos.
> 
> Thanks for read, take care while on quarantine and leave a review if you want :)


	2. Chapter 2

This day is humid, that’s the first thing that welcomes me when I wake up this morning, that and the noises of the kids of our block playing in the parking lot that faces to my window. It’s also hot and I only notice that when I take off my shirt and it is wetted in my own sweat, apparently I forgot to turn on the fan last night, but I do recall Anna murmuring something related to the sound of it’s blades so maybe she just simply turn it off before get out of the bed.

Anna’s early absence reminds me that it’s saturday, and that means that she already left to her athletics training one or two hours ago. I stopped walking her to the train station when we both agreed the path wasn’t that much dangerous for someone of her age, soon to be 17 in two weeks, and my weekends were reduced to sleep in and make a lonely lunch for one.

Deep inside I know that I used to accompany her not for protection but as an excuse to have more time together, but that’s a thing I would never easily admit to her.

Instead of get involved with that thought I pay extra attention to the muffled sound that is coming from somewhere in the room. I distinguish my phone’s ringtone — buzzing under a pile of old clothes that I’ve to send to the laundry but I always end forgetting save change for that — so I stretch enough my body to be able to take it without have to get out of the bed. The text that popped out on the screen doesn’t say that much to the matter, instead is the sender that manages to brought me out a moan that mixed tiredness and interest in such a confusing and strange way. 

_‘you up?’_

Three small bubbles appear on the bottom of the screen to quickly disappear, as if they don’t want to saturate me with a ton of text coming or deliberately want me to take my time. Nevertheless I find myself replying as soon as the sleepiness get off of my body, and the bubbles came to my vision again.

_‘just woke up’_

_‘oh please tell me i didn’t get you out of the bed???’_

_‘don’t worry honey, it was just time for me to finally wake up’_

Honey is my high school girlfriend, and the only reason we’re together is because she asked me out the same day of our graduation - after we both realized none of us had immediate plans to get a superior education. We get along pretty well and most important Anna likes her too, or that’s what she mumbles when I comment anything Honey related.

Romantic life is the only thing in which Anna and I doesn’t seem to get along. 

Four messages in a row makes me go back to reality and the next thing I know is that Honey already planned a whole day for the two of us, asking me if we can meet in one hour maximum. I opt to call her because I can’t bring myself to text and make breakfast at the same time — like if pouring milk on a bowl and fill it with cereal were the most difficult thing in life.

“Why this sudden act of romance?”, there’s a playful tone in my voice that Honey laughed at. 

“I was just missing you, am I clingy for that?”

“We agreed to meet past thursday at your place, but you kicked me out remember”, I comment casually, not wanting to make her feel guilty over don’t allow me the entrance to her house only because her parents were there early, a decision I found stupid only for the fact that they already know about our relationship status and frankly could care less. Honey just hate them being around. 

“For that reason I decided to compensate you today, what do you say? Don’t make me beg you”.

“Give me some minutes to finish here and shower, I’ll call you when I’m done, ‘kay?”

There’s not an immediate reply and I had to check my phone screen to make sure Honey hasn’t hang out by mistake. I could only hear her breathing and the occasionally sounds happening in her house.

“Honey... It’s okay”, my voice cut the intensity of the silence, “I’ll just take a short shower”.

I know why she got tense and also know that my words weren’t strong enough to calm her, for some reasons she doesn’t believe what I say. Honey just makes a brief noise, murmuring an ‘okay’ and ending the call before I could even think on say anything else.

See in the canon of my family there’s two main tragic accidents. First our parents’ one and then only a few weeks later... 

Anna and I don’t even talk about the last one even thought we know it happened. We both can feel it happened every time Anna checks that I don’t lock myself in the bathroom again or in each moment in which she freezes when a drop of red thick strawberry syrup dirts my skin.

But we both made a pact of never address the second one. At least not with spoken words.

To be fair, I don’t know that much what happened, only that one night I was feeling down and the next morning I woke up on a hospital bed with Anna next to my side. That and that the bathroom door had to be replaced and that’s the reason why it doesn’t match the layout of the house anymore.

Only Anna knows about that detail of my life. Anna... and Honey, because she got a call from my sister while we were still in the hospital. Not even Dax knows, and he seriously tried to make me spill the reasons about why my wrists were covered with bandages. _I got burn with water_ , I’ve told him. _That sucks_ , was his reply at my disappointing explanation.

So I tend to not prolongate the shower to get out of the bathroom as soon as I can to not remember the thing that ironically I can’t remember at all, dressing and taking my house keys before write a small note to Anna in case she comes home earlier than me. 

We met in the park that’s marks the mid point between her house and mine, and if she were one of those strangers near to us she’d question why I’m wearing a long sweater in the middle of June. But she doesn’t, and I know she never would. Instead she takes my hand and pull me to kiss my cheek. I like her, but I don’t like the way her hand grips tightly at my wrist.

“Hey you”, her brown eyes seems to shine every time we’re together, matching the color of her long hair that’s being covered by a beanie grey hat. I leaned down to kiss her cheek, noticing how she’d prefer me kissing her lips instead but deciding not make a comment about it, to then make our way through the park in direction to her neighborhood, I’d have simply walk alone all the way to her house but she insisted in meet here. 

Honey is pretty. Beautiful... Cute? Out of this world? She has dark brown hair that feels soft when you touch it, but so does Anna’s hair when you touch it. And mine. And I’ve to admit that even Dax’s hair is smooth. So is not a special quality I could remark in our relation.

She loves hold my hand while we walk and put her arms around my waist as we kiss. And I don’t mind, of course I don’t, but I still have hard times letting people touch me since the must-not-be-mentioned-accident, and when it happen it feels wrong and weird. And itchy, but maybe that’s only my crazy paranoia and imagination.

I could never tell Honey, or anyone else if that matters, that my skin burns in pain when she slides her fingers over my arms, grabbing my wrist like if her own life depended of that small touch. But I let her because that’s that girlfriends do, and besides Anna she’s the other person that knows about how much crap came to my life since one year ago.

Honey was the person who answered my phone when the police called me to inform me about the car accident, therefore being the first person to know that my parents died that rainy night. The person who accompanied me running to my house to make sure Anna was okay. The one that still cared for me even after I ignored her for weeks to only focus on Anna, treating our relationship like if it were shit.

So I owe her that in a strange sense.

We spend the rest of the day at her neighborhood — a little more classy than mine — and is only when she’s extra sure that her parents are not around that she allows me the entrance at her apartment. She doesn’t like them around, a thing I hate deeply, because I’d give everything I have to spend a little more of time with mine. 

But I could never tell her that. 

“Movies or video games?” she holds in her hand an old VHS cassette and some nintendo cardriges, I recognize some titles from Anna’s old game collection reminding myself how bad I was at those, so I point to the movies after make my way to the couch not wanting to my girlfriend to know that I suck miserably at Mario Kart 64.

“You should play with Anna, she’s way better than me and I’m not saying it because she’s my sister”.

“Yeah? That’s cool”. I can tell Honey doesn’t like hear about Anna in the same way Anna doesn’t like to hear about Honey. To be fair, Anna does but I learn that the less I connect my sister with my girlfriend the less I’d have to deal with reactions like the previous one.

The rest of the day is silent, aside for the cheesy dialogues of the movie she chose, and I found myself holding her hand or cuddling next to her body, and it feels good or maybe I’m trying too hard to make it feel good that I refuse to focus on anything else. Eventually Honey grabs the tv remote to adjust the volume of the tv a few numbers down, using her free hand to run her fingers through my hair. 

“I was thinking...” her voice is soft, almost as if she were scared of someone hearing us despite the apartment being empty.

“Hmmm?”, my head rests on her lap and my eyes are focused on the tv displaying an old 80’s movie to us, I try to pay attention to both the plot and her voice, but it’s difficult when the first one is so thunderous and the last one a murmur. So I decide to adjust my body to sit next to her, “What were you thinking?” I ask, almost reassuring that yes, I’m paying attention to her.

Honey doesn’t look at me for a while and for a brief of second I fantasied with the idea of her breaking up with me. Instead she runs her fingers through my hair to pull me for a kiss that I’m too confused to reciprocate, but which I do anyways. 

“My parents will leave the city for a few days, maybe you could come over and spend the night”. 

I want to say no but I found my mouth betraying my mind and murmuring a weak yes. I know what she means with _spend the night_ and that thought makes my skin burn like if someone poured boiled water all over my body. 

I feel guilty because I love Honey but I’m not sure if it is in the same way she loves me. But she’s nice, and doesn’t look for explanations behind my lack of interest in pretty much everything she likes. I don’t know what I did to deserve her and while some will ask themselves that statement out of love I legit find myself wondering what the fuck I did to make her want to date me.

I told her yes while my brain was screaming more relatable phrases like _'aren’t we pressuring this?' 'I don’t feel comfortable with that idea'. 'I have to take care of Anna and can’t leave her alone'._

She kisses me again and I found myself kissing her dearly for the first time since we met today, moving to let her straddle my hips and deepen the kiss. She moans my name and before the heat of the moment make her do anything else I softly push her aside, acting like if I were checking the hour in the clock behind her to rush myself out of there as soon as posible.

Honey pouts but eventually let me go, leaving a chaste kiss on my lips after a “text me when you get home, Els” leaves her lips.

In the way to my neighborhood I decide to get chinese food for dinner, buy some joints to Dax — only to make him believe I’m not a chicken that never smoked weed in her life — and texts Anna to see if she’s already out of her training.

She replies almost in a second and we both agree to meet in the park I visited with Honey earlier today. Anna wraps her arms around my neck when she sees me and I don’t mind the fact she’s completely dirty and smell like sweat. 

I love her and can tolerate her ‘dirtiness’, commanding my body to not flinch when her hands rolls up the sleeves of my sweater to caress my pale skin. We both know she does that to check on me, to avoid the hurtful thoughts about how close she was to lose her sister. But is perfectly disguised as a loving caress, she’s smart enough to hide her real intentions. 

“I almost run three kilometers today”, she says before take a bite to her egg roll, we’re sitting under a large tree, looking at the partially empty park. 

“Almost...”

“Well yeah, I got bored after the first two kilometers and faked an injury”.

“God, Anna”, I roll my eyes to tease her, feeling how her fist bumps playfully my shoulder.

“ ‘ _God, Anna_ ’ what? I had to, you don’t know how the trainer is”.

“You’ll not get into college by faking injuries”.

“Yeah, like if I want to go there and make you spend all that money”, she stretches to grab her drink, her shirt rolling up and giving me a view of her toned abs. Some guys walk in front of us and whistle at her ‘show’ only for Anna to flip her finger and tell them to go the fuck away.

“What about you?”, she asks after she finishes her drink, “something interesting at home?”

“Actually I went to Honey’s... So yeah, it was interesting”.

“Okay Okay, I don’t want to hear about your sex life”. 

I simply play with her twin braids and pull her closer, murmuring a ‘shut up, stupid’ that makes Anna giggle. She takes my hand between hers and we both lie on the grass as we watch how the sunset fades into dark purplish skies, making our way to our apartment with our arms around each other’s waists. 

And it still hurts, and my head still feels dizzy and my skin gets itchy with every touch. But it’s a pleasureable pain because Anna’s the one touching me, and I’ve learnt how to get comfortable around that type of pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the last update life has been crap lately. Just plot setting, hope you liked it.


End file.
